Ten things we’ll never understand about the US

Of course, that old chestnut. Americans can explain it to us as much as they like, but we’ll never get it. And I don’t just mean the concept of underpaying workers and then over-tipping them.

Beyond that is the arbitrary nature of tipping. Why is the waiter worthy of a tip, and not the vegetable chopper – or the chef? Why does a car valet get tipped and not someone serving you in a shop? Who knows.

Sales tax

Sales tax isn’t included in listed prices, which is frustrating. It would be no problem, perhaps, if it was 10 per cent like the GST. But state tax rates might be 2.9 per cent or 7.25 per cent, plus an additional local tax, so good luck working out what anything costs before the cashier tells you.

And because such taxes are state levied, you’ll get no federal tourist refund on departure like you do in many countries.

Huge portions

Please someone tell me how Americans, who drink coffee out of buckets, manage all the loo stops. Or how anyone is expected to consume a Frisbee-sized burger accompanied by a pyramid of French fries. Or how you can cart away gallon-sized cartons of supermarket milk and orange juice without having a hernia.

American portions fill you with dismay. Never order large sizes in a fast-food restaurant unless you’re sharing it with the entire family.

The ice obsession

If your idea of a good drink is a dribble of actual drink padded out by half a glacier of ice cubes, then welcome to paradise. Why pay for proper drinks when you can have diluted ones? Why not freeze your tongue? And who wouldn’t want a frigid glass of water on a winter’s day?

Fortunately, Americans are renowned for their dental obsession too so, unlike many sore-toothed foreigners, are spared brain freezes while imbibing.

The flags everywhere

Americans have an unhealthy obsession with their flag. Forty-seven out of 50 states require schoolchildren to pledge allegiance to it, though without explaining how you can commit to an inanimate object.

The Stars and Stripes are flown or emblazoned everywhere: on houses, cars, public buildings, shops, stadiums, bridges, baseball caps and lapel pins. For visitors, it makes every day in America feel festive, like a groundhog national day. Enjoy, and don’t dare question the relentless patriotism.

Talking to everyone

Given so many Americans are descendants of slaves, glum puritans or impoverished immigrants, it’s a mystery why they should all be so chirpy and talkative, but it’s one of their most attractive traits.

Americans will talk to you anywhere and everywhere, and ask how your day has been. In no other tourist destination will you interact with so many locals. People are even paid to greet you when you walk into stores and malls. Nice.

Sweet breakfasts

If you had an American breakfast anywhere else, it would be a dessert. Doughnuts, muffins, pancakes and waffles slathered in syrup, and incredibly sweet yoghurt and cereals with names like Honey Smacks and Frosted Flakes are the norm.

Even American bread (beyond artisanal bakeries) is very sweet. Some pancake dishes in fast-food restaurants contain a frightening 21 teaspoons of sugar. The recommended daily intake is nine teaspoons for men and six for women according to the American Heart Association. Beware.

The imperial measurement system

There are layers of confusion here. The US system was modelled on Britain’s, but Britain then carried out an overhaul, so the two are now different.

Britain has since adopted some of the metric system, but the US remains stubbornly enamoured of awkward measurements – which it now officially shares only with Liberia and Myanmar.

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You’ll have to get to grips with yards, miles, Fahrenheit and gallons. In some fields, America still uses the grain and hundredweight.